hg: The Garlic Mayo

Last week, I was gaily telling a friend about an exciting new discovery of mine - that of homemade garlic mayonnaise - when he stopped me to say he’d heard this all before. I had in fact told him of my garlic mayo exploits a few weeks earlier.

Oh dear. I’m 26 and have already been caught retelling tales of homemade condiments. Either I need more friends, to reduce the likelihood of such embarrassing repeats, or I should get out more and contrive a few interesting topics for discussion.

I choose neither. Both require too much effort. Instead, I shall tell the story again, once and for all. I can then tick this particular story off the list and move on to boring people with the adventures of my bread machine.

Now, you may have gleaned from previous entries that I’m not a fan of mainstream economics. Nonetheless, there are some basic principles I adhere to. The fact that Domino’s charges fifteen pounds for a pizza that costs approximately a quid to make leads me to regard their pizzas as a complete rip-off and therefore uneconomical. With one small caveat: their garlic mayonnaise dipping sauce is bloody delicious - the perfect foil for a stuffed crust. Without it, fifteen pounds is extortionate. But with it, well, maybe it’s not so bad after all...

Needless to say, I didn’t finish my Business Studies degree.

In times gone by, I would purchase a simple margarita (to keep costs down) and then upgrade it to stuffed crust and buy an additional pot of garlic mayo on the side. I can’t think of a better way to squander one’s student loan.

Alas, student loans are now a thing of distant memory and some recent trimming of the ol’ expenses has once again deemed a fifteen pound pizza to be a complete rip-off.

But that garlic mayo... Oh! My kingdom for a pot of Domino’s garlic mayo!

Perhaps I could procure a batch through alternative channels? This was how I discovered Domino’s employees don’t like customers to swan in with a Sainsbury’s frozen pizza under their arm and order a single pot of garlic mayo. I also found supermarket imitations of the white stuff to be wholly unsatisfactory. It was time to take matters into my own hands.

I looked up a recipe. Turns out, garlic mayonnaise is remarkably simple to make. (No, you smart aleck, it’s not just garlic and mayonnaise. Not quite.)

One takes a few healthy dollops of Hellmann’s Real Mayonnaise (none of the Light shit), crushes in two or three cloves of garlic, adds a glug of Extra Virgin Olive Oil and a generous squeeze of lemon juice, and then seasons to perfection. Stir it up until smooth and creamy.

And there you have it. Delicious, homemade garlic mayonnaise to dip the crusts of a £1.50 frozen pizza in. So long, Domino’s.

The next stage will be to make the whole thing from scratch. And then to prepare my own pizzas with dough from our bread machine, naturally. Bet you can’t wait to read about that.